Posted By Cat on June 11, 2012
Side note before I start my musings: I did say fat loss, rather than the traditional weight loss. I’ve been reading a lot of different things, and one good thing I’ve read is to make sure you differentiate between weight loss and fat loss.
Fat is the stuff we don’t want. The stuff that makes us jiggle as we walk, and not in a good way. Weight can include things we do want…and may even want more of. A huge example is muscle. We do want more muscle. Not necessarily massive muscles, but muscle burns fat better than non-muscle. It’s sort of what it does. Some other weight that you may be fond of include your bones and organs. Technically, I could lose weight by chopping off my leg. I would, in fact, weigh less. But that’s not exactly the way to go.
Now for the musings. I just got back from a nearly 2 mile walk, and now I’m sitting here sort of regretting the extra distance, mostly because my left ankle is telling me off. (This ankle had a major sprain when I was 16 or 17 and has never really healed.) In a few minutes, my hips will tell me rude things as well. But I’m thinking about the decision to finally try to seriously lose fat. To change my form. Why now? I’ve been fat for decades. While those who knew me when I was younger may say I wasn’t that heavy, the pictures don’t lie. I wasn’t 200 but I wasn’t anywhere near a healthy weight, either.
And it occurs to me, in embarking on such a change, you have to also look at your psyche and why you’re doing it. It has to be for yourself. To do it for someone else never really works. And it takes a major amount of willpower. The willpower to say “yes, I will do these exercises” even when, at the heart of it, you don’t really want to. The willpower to say “That’s all I’m going to eat” even though you could happily down another plateful. The willpower to pass on things like dessert. (Okay, not all the time. It’s a diet, not a prison camp.) But you know what I mean. We’re well conditioned to sit on the couch. It’s comfortable.
My primary reason for starting this journey was because I’m tired of the two big fat rolls on my belly. Because of how I’ve always worn my pants, the fat has divided into two rolls. I honestly don’t mind my butt. I can’t see it, generally. Even my arm flab never really bugged me. But those two rolls limit my ability to wear various clothes, and I’m tired of it. They’re bigger than my boobs.
But even as I realize I’m tired of what I’ve acquired, fat wise, I’m also looking at why I’ve gained the weight. And I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that it was an insulating layer of protection. I could fend off potential harm with it. Sure, I had to use the phrase “more than a decade” to describe when I last had a date, but it also meant I’d never had the emotional pain that often comes with that. Men didn’t see me. They saw “a fat chick.” Given my hairstyle and clothing choices, they probably went clear to “a fat lesbian,” which still kept them away.
So why can I part with the fat now? That would be Jeff. There is someone out there, not directly related, who likes me…for me. Not because of my looks, per se, but because of me. My personality. My good bits. My bad bits. There is someone I can offer the chance to hurt me more than anything, and know, absolutely, that they won’t take it. Essentially…I don’t need the fat armor to protect me. And so I can allow myself to shed it.
Okay, enough of my psyche for one day. There’s facebook games to go play.
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